Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
