just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
