Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
false alarm, still single
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
