sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize