just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
