I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my liver is dry heaving
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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