I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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