My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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