I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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