My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
