Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
