Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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