Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
