it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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