Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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