I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
