see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
