Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
