My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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