my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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