There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
