i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
