Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
