i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
