I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
