After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
