he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
