Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
