I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we're making bets on your personal life
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
