Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
