i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
