i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
