I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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