Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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