I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
