Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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