I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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