I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
