there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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