Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just found puke in my bra..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
