my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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