you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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