He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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