I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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