Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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