It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
