Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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