i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize