My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize