Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My liver just had a heart attack.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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