i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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