We won't sleep together?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
